A Letter From a Recovering Anorexic

By Lorraine Jazleene Biteranta on April 3, 2014

 

When I was a teenager, actresses, actors and singers were untouchable in many different ways. One of the biggest reasons that I found them to be so incredibly untouchable was their idealized bodies. The men were muscular and the women were tall, thin, and curvy in all the right places.

The damage this did to me as young girl was more than I could comprehend at that time. All I knew was that I wanted to achieve what the celebrities seemed to have achieved: perfection. Their skin was without blemishes, their hair was always on point and their bodies were unlike anything I had ever seen before.

Around that time, my friends began to focus on beauty and diets. I followed behind them and began to see bodies rather than people, focusing instead on where they held their weight rather than who they were. I became obsessed with being the thinnest person in the room and felt horrible when there was somebody thinner.

Looking back, it wasn't shocking at all that I developed eating disorders and definitely not shocking that I ended up in the hospital. Yes, the hospital.

I fainted while attending class at the local community college and was taken straight to the hospital from school. At that time, I was eating two pieces of bread in the morning and nothing else for the rest of the day. Even then, when I stood at 5'4 and weighed less than 95 pounds, I did not think I had a problem. The doctors told my mother I was suffering from eating disorders, and still, I did not believe it.

If nothing else, my road to recovery was accidental. It was not something that I planned on and my eating habits were definitely not something that I considered "unhealthy", but gradually I began to eat healthier and gain back most of the lost weight.

It wasn't until I gained a healthy amount that I looked back and realized that I did, in fact, have eating disorders. I couldn't believe that I didn't see it while it was happening and I felt terrible for shunning the friends who saw what I could not and tried to help.

I never achieved my ideal body, nor did I reach the perfection I longed for. I'm not overweight yet I am no longer skinny, my hair is always a mess and acne and scars from past acne litter my back and my face. I am nowhere near society's "beautiful," but I have achieved my own sense of "beauty" that comes only from within.

The scariest part of the eating disorder wasn't losing friends, getting in fights with family, or being admitted to a hospital. The scariest part was recovery, and realizing that I didn't realize I was unhealthy.

It's been four years since my recovery and I still feel the struggle every day. I tell myself I am confident and I tell my friends I am happy, yet I refuse to ever step on a scale again. I will never again do anything to jeopardize my health or my life.

If you are currently struggling the same way I was, I encourage you to get help, whether or not you think you need it.

 

Follow Uloop

Apply to Write for Uloop News

Join the Uloop News Team

Discuss This Article

Back to Top

Log In

Contact Us

Upload An Image

Please select an image to upload
Note: must be in .png, .gif or .jpg format
OR
Provide URL where image can be downloaded
Note: must be in .png, .gif or .jpg format

By clicking this button,
you agree to the terms of use

By clicking "Create Alert" I agree to the Uloop Terms of Use.

Image not available.

Add a Photo

Please select a photo to upload
Note: must be in .png, .gif or .jpg format